Perpetual Xmastime

Mormon Santa's Always Stunning Psychic Predictions for 2009!

Britney Spears shall continue on her successful comeback track, directing and starring in another original motion picture, "Oops, I Got DP'd Again!"

The Feds will lower interest rates yet one more time in the coming year -- to an unprecedented NEGATIVE .5% -- causing even Klaatu to reevaluate real estate investing!

Reality television espies total market domination with a Fox program called "Half-Remembered Celebrity Poop Scope", hosted by Sir George Michael. Palestinians and Israelis finally realize a common bond as mutual fans of the show.

The Anti-Christ shall be born in London, UK, this year, in April, but he won't go on a tour of Buckingham Palace until a friend offers to take him for his 47th birthday.

Current Minnesota Senator-Elect Al Franken will be officially sworn in and seated in the U.S. Senate by February -- though, in a politically expedient compromise, on a two-legged stool, sans standard Senate healthcare coverage, and without the complimentary Wi-Fi access. His regular, impeccably timed comedic pratfalls will provide C-Span with a needed ratings boost, and Illinois Senator Roland Burris will prove himself a competent straight man with his hilariously reluctant attempts to assist Franken from his even more precarious portable sport seat.

The Universal Consciousness simultaneously realizes that ass tats are ferg.

Sarah Palin will hold a press conference in June, during which she will proudly breastfeed a lifelike "Reborn Doll", named "Viably Breathing Tyler", and some will disparage this as an attempt to pander to insane Right to Pretend Dolls are Living groups. Most reporter questions, however, focus on husband Todd Palin's performance in "Oops, I Got DP'd Again!"

Global warming causes a worldwide shift in unpleasant smells to unpleasant with hairy bojeeba stank stains. U.S. consumers respond by demanding "recyclable" aluminum chlorohydrate deodorants.

Everyone gets a choice between an RFID chip implant or breast implants.

First Lady Laura Bush will upstage her husband by negotiating an 8 million dollar book deal -- to finally show some!

Your trigger phrase for today is...

"Holiday" Musings

Merry Christmas! I mean, Season's Greetings! I mean, Happy Holidays! Oh, maybe I should just say, Happy Cold and Flu Season -- Did you get your shots??? If not, I want the blond without the obvious vitiligo to make my Gingerbread latte, thank you! It seems like more and more, we're getting away from being able to say freely what we want these days. I find it sad that no matter where you go, you can't just speak your mind. Everything must be politically correct before it comes out of your mouth. Why can't I wish you Merry Saturnalia Rites and a Happy Dies Natalis Solis Invicti, you stupid clueless Christian? Is that so bad? I am not offended when someone wishes me a Happy Hanukah, but boy do they get all huffy if I simply wail Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi! Death to Israel! in a well-intentioned response.

Last week in my son's preschool, they had their "Winter Program". That's great, it was a cute little concert, with three or four songs they sang. However, back in my day, these were called "Holiday" concerts. And we sang "Holiday" songs, such as, "Jingle Bells", "Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer" and *gasp* "Silent Night", and innocent, irony-free renditions of "Santa Baby" and "They Ain't Makin' Jews Like Jesus Anymore". Now, I am not one who likes to offend people. More often, I am the people pleaser. I have received plenty of "Holiday" lingerie over the years testifying to this fact. I just don't understand why people need to be offended so easily about songs? I mean, it's not as if they are singing about fags marrying and legally adopting all our cloned Baby Jesus super soldiers, right?

Mormon Santa fills out a Random Christmas Survey!

What is the most expensive thing on your Christmas wish list?
I don't make Christmas wish lists. I veto them.

What do you want this year?
Same thing I always want. To watch a three-way between Brad, Angelina, and Jen. And Asia Argento.

Which reindeer is your favorite?
The spit-roasted one I harvested with my crossbow.

Big tree or small tree?
My little angel tree-topper has never had a complaint.

Do you get a lot of presents?
YES! That new GPS you wished for? I kept it. I decorate my tree with them all.

What is your favorite Christmas movie?
Any of porn superstar Peter North's 'North Pole' series.

What is your favorite Christmas song?
'Merry Mormon Xmas'

Red, green, or white lights?
Please, only the black ones work with florescent body paints.

Any Christmas traditions?
Just digging up the rifle, cleaning it, and burying it again, but deeper.

How will you spend Christmas?
With my family, since it's their last.

Is your house decorated?
Yes! Strung with all of your iPhone 3Gs! Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

Do you get all dressed up?
Well, not 'all the way'...

Favorite Christmas memory?
Relabeling all the baby Jesus' gold as 'From: Santa, To: Santa'.

When I say 'Christmas' what is the first thing that comes to mind?
Shopping -- for Christ, of course. No, those Norelco shaver commercials.

What is your Christmas wish?
Sarah Palin appears on Martha Stewart and shares a 'Spit-Roasted Reindeer' recipe. Oh, and that I can buy up a few more auto companies before this darn recession ends.

ASK MORMON SANTA: "Who ARE you?"

Q: Tell me who you are. I know lots of others know who you are. If it is a secret… I won't tell.

~ "K.", Fort Wayne, IN

Dear "K.",

As they say, "I am that I am."

I do appreciate the difficulty you may have relating to a deity of my ultimitude. I mean, I have it all -- looks, omniscience, the world's largest private collection of classic mobility scooters, the ability to enjoy simultaneous penile, clitoral, vaginal and nasal orgasms, a raspy but pleasant singing voice -- but sadly, often what is "knowable" about me engenders suspicion and jealous envy in others rather than a reverently crushing awe.

Some unfortunate people even deign to doubt my divinity entirely. Or worse, believe me to be so mortally vain that I resort to the use of eyebrow hair extensions, but I'm everything I gave me. Non-believers (i.e."haters") risk prosecution under the Holiday Spirit Act, Section 12A, particularly during this most sacred of all seasons when my elves are pressed to make fiscal year-end quotas. Those convicted under said provision are subject to punishment by means of enhanced candy-caning, unless it is determined they get their jollies from that sort of thing, in which case they are teased most mercilessly with the threat alone.

Occasionally I've found it expedient to take temporary bodily possession of this or that carbon-based life form, but not any body you would know. Anyone you suspect of being possessed by me is acting like a douchebag on their own.

Q: Do you drink your own urine or just others? Because your breath smells like urine. lol

~ Rev. Ninjapope, Uranus

Your LOLiness,

Mine is not the only faith to accept the practice of urine drinking -- the Episcopalians, for example. If you can tolerate or secretly enjoy your own flatulence, it's a whiz!

Sing along with Mormon Santa!

[IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: Mormon Santa is not Mormon and has no official affiliation with the LDS Church. As if by design, however, correlations and similarities are evident in all of the world's relevant cosmologies.]

Play the song and sing along!

Merry Mormon Xmas

A traditional Mormon Santa Xmas carol, sung to the tune of no particular apostate Xmas carol...

Merry Mormon Xmas
From Kolob to Ole Nauvoo
We'll spread good cheer throughout the year
And make sweet love to you.

Merry Mormon Xmas
My mouth sings this to you:
Keep the Season's Precious Secret safe
Or Disembowel'd are you!

Our Father, out in Heaven,
Reigns from His Pearly Throne
Until each year His Wives make clear
That He should shed Ten Stone!

So around ev'ry December 21st
Our Lord returns to Earth
As an Elderly Caucasian Male
To work off His Holy Girth.

Merry Mormon Xmas
From Kolob to Ole Nauvoo
We'll spread good cheer throughout the year
And make sweet love to you.

Nine Most Perfect Angels
Incarnate as Goats
And, hitched to a Sleigh, they graze the Milky Way
With Mormon Santa in tow!

Good Ol' Latter Day Saint Nick
Leaves Presents in all the Crypts
And knocks on ev'ry Sinner's door
'Til His Temple Garments fit!

Merry Mormon Xmas
My mouth sings this to you:
Keep the Season's Precious Secret safe
Or Disembowel'd are you!

Merry Mormon Xmas
From Kolob to Ole Nauvoo
We'll spread good cheer throughout the year
And make sweet love to you
And make sweet love to you
(and you, and you, and you!)

© Mormon Santa Band

A Thanksgiving Prayer

THANK YOU
for all my nostrils can smell--
the pines in the forest,
the deep fat fryer down the dell;
for the scents of friends and family,
some familiar, some sweet...
Oh Lord, I pray
that's only cheese.

THANK YOU
for all my mouth can hold--
white meat, dark meat,
my wife's noodle casserole;
gravy and juices
run down my chins
and coat my throat
until I, in ecstasy,
choke.

THANK YOU
for all my eyes can see--
firm brown breasts
rubbed with butter and pudding;
nut logs, waxed beans
dripping in heavy cream...
Gee thanks, God--
I just fucked a turkey.

AMEN

(c) 2008 by Mormon Santa

FOX NEWS leaks Obama’s First 100 Days Agenda!

My Friends, I KNEW it was still too early for me to concede this Presidential election! FOX NEWS recently obtained the following memo from an unnamed bitter-but-stanch Obama supporter, detailing just SOME of the presumptive President-Elect's "First 100 Days Agenda".

No, I'm not going to demand a recount. Frankly, I've had enough of politics. For now, I'm just going to spend some quality time getting better acquainted with the 19-year-old twins (conjoined) I recently adopted and work on growing both my beard and waistline out to biblical proportions.

"My First 100 Days Agenda" (fragment of a draft memo that was allegedly found on the back of an envelope containing forged voter registration signatures, and an apparent "African-American" list of political enemies)...

DAY 1: Nationalize the Plumbing Industry
DAY 2: Nominate William Ayres as "Chief of Pals"
DAY 3: Repaint White House chartreuse
DAY 4: Remove the 'H' 'U' 'S' 'E' 'I' and 'N' keys from all staffers' computer keyboards
DAY 5: Begin sporting a peacock-feathered tri-corner hat and serving mac and cheese at state dinners
DAY 6: Hold first weekly presidential puppy fight
DAY 7: Rename Pennsylvania Avenue "The Goddamn Reverend Wright Way"
DAY 8: Head up to Capitol Hill to sell "stimulant packages" in bipartisan backroom dealings
DAY 9: Name Kanye as new "Chartreuse House Poet Laureate"
DAY 10: Invite Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and an Israeli delegation over for some ghetto FOB-ulous BBQ
DAY 11: Offer Senator Lieberman choice of four fingers to keep
DAY 12: Advise all Americans to invest savings in bling
DAY 13: Replace secret Oval Office tape-recording system with own Technics SL-1200MK2s
DAY 14: Relocate all the crackers to Alaska. Grant them Secession.

Post-Election Photo Caption Contest!

Bushes Extend Warm Reception to Obama's...

Can YOU come up with a better caption for this photo...?

******************************

UPDATE (11/14/2008):

THE BEST CAPTIONS SO FAR (all from Mormon Santa)...

"Welcome to the Brick, erm, White House!"

"This is how we 'hand-bump' in Texas!"

"I call this move my Condo-squeezza!"

"Whoa! No mistaking THAT for something less than a continent!"

"THIS is why we both oppose gay marriage -- am I right?"

"That's one slippery slope to socialism!"

"Did Joe Plumber?"

"O purple mountains Yer Majesty!"

"Pardon me... Get it? I'm likely to face charges for this."

"So is it the lower half of him that's white? Just wunderin' if I has a shot..."

"Emission Accomplished!"

Can you come up with a BETTER caption? Nope, you're all HOPELESS...

2008 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION COVERAGE!

Mormon Santa expected to pull off surprise, last minute electoral shitstorm!

 

CLICK HERE TO SEE LIVE ELECTORAL MAP

Colorful electronic maps don't lie, my friends. It now looks like Mormon Santa is headed toward the biggest electoral landslide in history!

Turns out my running mate, exact hermaphroditic clone and only begotten political successor, Mormon Santa II -- at only 2 1/2 months -- is quite the computer wiz! These kids today are just amazing when it comes to this stuff! (However, we still could use some help from any of you script kiddies out there who know what the Diebold hot-key combination is for "freeze-frame"...)

Throughout the final hours of this historic election, Mormon Santa and "The Best Political Team in the Celestial Heavens" will offer their canned commentary and baseless talking points -- and YOU are invited to join in on the discussion!

The Best Political Team in the Celestial Heavens...

Mrs. Mormon Santa

Mrs. Mormon Santa is the lone surviving but ailing wife of Mormon Santa, yet hardly a partisan supporter of his presidential ambitions.

Mormon Santa II

As already stated, Mormon Santa II is Mormon Santa's running mate, exact hermaphroditic clone and only begotten political successor. Mormon Santa II will call the election for Mormon Santa once the previously determined secret "nose sign" is given.

Pierre Plantard

Msr. Plantard is the late founder and current Grand Master of the infamous and shadowy Priory of Sion and a former living direct descendant of Jesus Christ. He is French (boooooo!) and is here to offer the haughty, elitist European view on the proceedings.

Joe the Undecided Pundit

Joe the Undecided Pundit (whose real name is not "Joe", nor anything else as his parents still haven't agreed on one yet) will serve up his, and possibly one day her, unvarnished and "folksy" indecisiveness throughout our coverage.

Welcome to you all.

The team and I are ready to take YOUR commentary and questions here, or over at Mormon Santa's 2008 MySpace Election Headquarters...