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Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Sing along with Mormon Santa!

[IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: Mormon Santa is not Mormon and has no official affiliation with the LDS Church. As if by design, however, correlations and similarities are evident in all of the world's relevant cosmologies.]

Play the song and sing along!

             
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Merry Mormon Xmas

A traditional Mormon Santa Xmas carol, sung to the tune of no particular apostate Xmas carol...

Merry Mormon Xmas
From Kolob to Ole Nauvoo
We'll spread good cheer throughout the year
And make sweet love to you.

Merry Mormon Xmas
My mouth sings this to you:
Keep the Season's Precious Secret safe
Or Disembowel'd are you!

Our Father, out in Heaven,
Reigns from His Pearly Throne
Until each year His Wives make clear
That He should shed Ten Stone!

So around ev'ry December 21st
Our Lord returns to Earth
As an Elderly Caucasian Male
To work off His Holy Girth.

Merry Mormon Xmas
From Kolob to Ole Nauvoo
We'll spread good cheer throughout the year
And make sweet love to you.

Nine Most Perfect Angels
Incarnate as Goats
And, hitched to a Sleigh, they graze the Milky Way
With Mormon Santa in tow!

Good Ol' Latter Day Saint Nick
Leaves Presents in all the Crypts
And knocks on ev'ry Sinner's door
'Til His Temple Garments fit!

Merry Mormon Xmas
My mouth sings this to you:
Keep the Season's Precious Secret safe
Or Disembowel'd are you!

Merry Mormon Xmas
From Kolob to Ole Nauvoo
We'll spread good cheer throughout the year
And make sweet love to you
And make sweet love to you
(and you, and you, and you!)

© Mormon Santa Band

Monday, May 12, 2008

MORMON SANTA'S DOWNTIME REQUIREMENTS

In the interest of full disclosure, I thought I should get this out on the Net before the "story" breaks elsewhere and is treated in a predictably biased manner. Can someone please tell me what is supposed to be wrong with a male deity liking scented candles? ~M.S.


MORMON SANTA'S DOWNTIME REQUIREMENTS

All items below are requirements for Mormon Santa's Downtime Suite during his stay at your Marriott Residence Inn location.  NO EXCEPTIONS.

One freshly-cut Xmas tree, ceiling height, fully decorated in the traditional  manner. MUST NOT be fire-retardant.

A bowl full of jellybeans (NOT Brach's, NOT Jelly Belly, THE GOOD STUFF!), refreshed hourly via dumbwaiter or blinded *LEGAL* non-English-speaking  housekeeper.

A bathroom in room with two-way mirror that is discreetly accessible behind framed portrait via 'eye holes'. Mormon Santa often travels with elves and they require constant supervision.

One of those Costco 1000 count cases of latex surgical-type gloves and a  generous bottle of waterless lubricant on ice.

200-300 sq. ft. opaque plastic sheeting or tarpaulin (no less than 2 ml. thickness). PLUS several yards of cord or rope if none is included as part of window treatments.

Chair and desk with stainless steel writing surface. Large letter opener included in pencil holder on desk. Chair should be substantial enough to support the weight of two to three big-boned adults, and preferably throne-like.

Basic toiletries, trepanning equipment and 40-50 rolls ABSORBENT QUILTED bathroom tissue. Towels should be XMAS RED in color. Fresh mistletoe sprig in commode.

Well-chilled carafe in mini-fridge large enough for quart of nog (supplied separately).

Eight maids a-milking.

SCENTED candles like they were going out of style!

Cable TV tuned to FOX News with in-room cameras set to 'last channel' button  on the remote.

Roasted partridge in a pear sauce.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Gifts MUST be left in the room, wrapped with  blank gift cards, a receipt and Polaroid photo of contents. No pasta machines!

Friday, April 11, 2008

Your trigger phrase for today is...

"We're only as far up the evolutionary tree as we are because we're so fucking scared of everything else!"

~Mormon Santa

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

A Mormon Santa Xmas Classic: The Book of Blog (Episode I)

What follows is a Mormon Santa Xmas Classic. As it is with any ancient sacred religious text or holiday TV special, some of the references may seem somewhat dated now...

The Book of Blog (Episode I)

1  ’Twas the Night before the few that were left, and all over the Net every Creature was Blogging, even "The Hoff".

2 And Mormon Santa Texted and Messaged upon His Cell, oblivious to the constraints of this World or the placement of any Furniture herein.

3  Ho--! He said, with a Fart. And where before it stood not, now stood a great Monolith, rising as high as a man of above average height standing atop another more modest monolith.

4 Having encountered the Monolith thusly, Mormon Santa fell into a deep Trance and backwards. When He rose again, He danced and chanted and made Offerings of Marlboros and Caipirinhas unto it, and He named it Paris Hilton.

5  C’mon, Paris, why don’t we show these mere Boretals how to Par-TAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?

6 He had only to lay His hands upon Paris Hilton and she was spread-eagled before Him, and yielded unto Him her Secret Treasure of Explicit Roman Picture Books, multitudes of brightly shining Discs, and elaborate Jingle-Belled Harnesses and Whips.

7 And, after a time, Mormon Santa withdrew His Hand from Paris Hilton’s drawers, removing a brick, or what was in appearance much like a smaller, Baby Monolith, and this He put into the Mouth of Paris Hilton.

8  And for His Offering we were shown a Great Vision of XXXmases Past.

9 Those who were there, the Blogging Apostles and Celebrity Superstars among them, affixed their gaze on Paris Hilton, her taught, Thirty and Six Inch Belly all aglow with colossal Priapuses, and unshorn Virginas, and Candy Canes that huzzaed like Locusts.

10  Whaadaya say, Paris? Why don’t we PIMP this retro shit UP with a little PopoZAO?

11 Mrs. Mormon Santa, the one who’s the Aura Massage Therapist and Macchiato Master, upon whom Mormon Santa had performed His Miracle of the Augmentation, and now a mere acquaintance, was first to speak.

12 I beseech You, O Lord! Though Thy Angel Kevin’s singing is assuredly the most ethereal of any Sphere to which those on Earth ever have been treated, is not the Volume far more than our Mortal Ears can for long endure?

13  Po-po-PopoZao! PopoZAO! Said The Lord, defiantly.

14 All turned their attention to Mormon Santa’s beauteous plastic grass Sarong, mesmerized by the Unseen Forces that held it suspended where there was no Ass, and feasted upon the Meat Loaves and Hickory Smoked Cherubs and Golden Egg Salads and every description of Jellied Bean and Malted Ball that He’d miraculously pulled from It.

15 Then, by means of some Sorceressery, Mrs. Mormon Santa conjured a Bang Stick, the same Magic Bang Stick that the Prophet Emookie had used to slay the Giants and the Gators, and this she presented unceremoniously to the back of Our Lord’s Holy Brain Tray.

16  What the Po, Ho?

17  My Lord, PopoDOWN! RIGHT NOW! Or Someone’s gonna require a CLOSED TOMB RESURECTION!

18  And Whoa! In a twinkling, Ex-Mrs. Mormon Santa was turned into a Lump of Coal, which Mormon Santa then returned back unto Dust, using the Bang Stick.

19  It is done, BITCH!

20  And with this, Mormon Santa slipped and collapsed in His own Sugar Plum Schnapps Sick. Amen.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

A timely Easter message to all my children...

Easter My Children,

As you know, I often lovingly refer to you as my children. With the April 15th tax deadline looming once again, I wish to remind you of the special and, indeed, very precise meaning this expression holds for me. And that is: All of you literally are "my children"!

And what should my children do if anyone from the "Imperial Revenue Service" were to contact them by phone and begin to question or cast doubts and aspersions on the meaning of this most fundamental spiritual truth of ours? I ask only that you always affirm it with the pure heart and spirit of a child. On such occasions, in fact, actually adopting the innocent speaking voice of a young child is a worthy, even divinely inspired act of devotion.

Every time I make this important annual reminder, several of you invariably wonder aloud - quite loudly, using a highly inappropriate adult voice - asking me: "Mormon Santa, are we not a 'church' and therefore enjoy full 'tax exempt' status?"

Kids, have nary a doubt: We are "a church"! THE RICHEST, OFF-PLANET BASED CHURCH IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE! And as such, we are fully exempt from any "universal tax". However, for very complicated epistemopolitical reasons - rightly or wrongly - federal and state tax laws do still apply.

So, a timely tax tip: Those blessed with the not-exactly-immaculately begotten species of children would be well advised to have them answer all incoming household calls for awhile. I certainly don't have to tell any parent about the joy your callers experience when greeted with such sweetness and endearing incompetence on the phone.

But you must teach your children well, and the most important lesson that you can impart to them right now is that they are Mormon Santa's children first! To ensure their understanding, have them repeat this lesson back to you, and often. Remember: "Snaps or Slaps!" Truth be told, in more cases than many of you realize, this will hold up even if court-ordered DNA testing is required.

Indeed, your child's demonstration of devotion may cast favor upon them when again the time comes for Mormon Santa to rehire after The Sacred Rightsizing of the Temple Elves at the next Checking of the List.

They grow up far too fast, don't they? And much too large for the tiny hallowed iron harnesses!

Hop, hop...

"Poppa"

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

TOP TEN FALSEHOODS ABOUT MORMON SANTA AND HIS PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDACY

FALSEHOOD: "Mormon Santa frequents high-priced prostitutes."

FACT: Mormon Santa frequents many things: kosher erotic bakeries, "genius" sperm banks, topless personal mobility scooter washers, but he has never paid for sex with cash, credit cards, or multiple 10K money transfers. Mormon Santa has a long-standing deal on the Costco-sized Hickory Farm Smoked Sausage packages, if you know what I mean.

FALSEHOOD: "Mormon Santa has actually worked as a high-priced call-girl."

FACT: First, Mormon Santa is a surgical hermaphrodite. Many prominent figures in commerce, industry and politics view Mormon Santa as a pioneer free market business person.

FALSEHOOD: "Mormon Santa has never visited our troops in Iraq."

FACT: Mormon Santa has made multiple "secret trips" to Iraq, but mainly to take advantage of the $5.00 for five rugs deals, if you know what I mean.

FALSEHOOD: "Mormon Santa believes that 9/11 was an inside job perpetrated by extremist elements within our own government."

FACT: Mormon Santa KNOWS this isn’t true, and he’s tired of these extremist elements stealing all the credit.

FALSEHOOD: "Mormon Santa won’t guarantee our unrestricted right to bear arms."

FACT: Mormon Santa holds a strict constructionist view of the U.S. Constitution and the Second Amendment, and is confident that the 80 million individual gun owners can sort out the "well-regulated militia" part amongst themselves.

FALSEHOOD: "Mormon Santa has herpes, yet he’s kissing babies and grandmothers on the campaign trail."

FACT: Mormon Santa does not kiss babies or grandmothers when he gets an outbreak or thinks he is about to get an outbreak, and existing laws in place effectively prevent genital contact.

FALSEHOOD: "Mormon Santa was one of the Keating Five, who ignited a political scandal as part of the larger Savings and Loan crisis of the late 1980s and early 1990s."

FACT: Mormon Santa was a founding member of another group, the Four Skins, who later became the Keating Five, but left the band early on over "corruption differences".

FALSEHOOD: "Mormon Santa would embarrass the nation if he ever danced on the Ellen Degeneres Show."

FACT: I suppose wearing underwear for one day wouldn’t kill me.

FALSEHOOD: "Mormon Santa has been actively courting Condoleezza Rice to fill the VEEP slot."

FACT: No, but Mormon Santa is keeping all options on the table, Condi... and Ms. Rodham, if you know what I mean.

FALSEHOOD: "Rearrange the letters in Mormon Santa’s name and you get ’Moron M. Satan’."

FACT: Fine. This is why I’m still in bed with coal producers.

THANK YOU AMERICA!

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Your trigger phrase for today is...

Here's a pic of Hillary in her "3:00AM" lingerie...

Hillary_lingerie

Note: It's blue.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Mormon Santa, Certified "M-Touch" Therapist



Can you briefly explain the "M-Touch" and why someone might choose to try this particular massage technique?


I practice Mi Zone Therapy, which is a very ancient technique. I think even the Neanderthals must have done it. It is very effective in treating most ailments from a tight muscle to a not-so-tight muscle. I work to move stagnation of the body’s Mi Zone, unblocking the flow, bringing the energy body back into balance, and cleaning up afterwards. The "M-Touch" motivates the blood and navoid (or bellybutton) juices. If the Mi Zone is blocked in some way from emotional, physical or mental stagnation, the body may experience pain, dysfunction and eventually mocking laughter. By manipulating the Mi Zone, I am also helping my client raise their vibration. By working this vibration, the Mi Zone eventually goes back into balance, if the insurance will cover it.

In your opinion, what makes a good "M-Touch" therapist or practitioner?

In my opinion, a good "M-Touch" therapist is a good listener and can really listen to what the body and the bellybutton is saying, without putting words into its mouth using a funny voice or making icky faces. Always be a professional. If you smelt it, deal with it.

What is your philosophy on health and healing?

I believe that healing is a journey. It is a journey for both practitioner and client alike. Healing doesn’t always mean the client doesn’t die. We’re often like travel agents who get our clients the direct flight at the lowest fare.

Why did you choose the profession of "M-Touch" Therapy as a career?

While I was working on my degree in psychology, I completed a half-semester at Clown College, one of the good ones. While there, I started writing a research paper on the human potential movement with a focus on "M-Touch" work. I’d researched all types of bodywork from Reiki to Rolfing, but the "M-Touch" was the only technique that focused exclusively on the bellybutton. I realized this was the best and most effective way to release affect (emotions). Emotions get stored in the bellybutton in bands of tension that cause pain and also stick to fascia (connective tissue) causing adhesions in the body. Sometimes I think I understand what that means, but basically I fell in love with my own Mi Zone and continued on to complete my degree in "M-Touch" Therapy. It was also very easy to find and print the official certificate online.

Post inquiries and questions here or on my MySpace profile

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Take the Church of Perpetual Xmastime Personality Test!

These are simple "Yes" or "No" questions. They are used only to help determine the level at which you will be confined to, initially, within the Church of Perpetual Xmastime.

Have you ever considered forming a "Blue Man" type group, but of a different color?

Have you ever eaten an entire scented candle in one sitting?

When you're on crack, do others often ask what kind of crack you're on?

Would you use the term "impressive" to describe your pornography collection?

Do you consider yourself to be a "social drinker" since you are, after all, a "member of society"?

Do you avoid flying not because of any safety concern but because you consider it "cheating"?

Without looking, can you distinguish between "YES" a new rash or "NO" a new tattoo?

Do you ever feel superior to others because yours are "authentic" aviator sunglasses?

Do you usually hear music after putting on earmuffs?

Have you ever jumped in a cab and yelled "Follow that homeless person!"?

Do you become overly emotional whenever you realize you could've had a V8?

Have you ever uttered the phrase, "Dave Matthews Band speaks to my demographic"?

Are you often overwhelmed by the breadth and variety of insole choices?

Can you touch your ears with your knees and still unsnap a hernia truss?

Have you ever used a toilet plunger for other than its intended purpose?

Does downloading beta software updates make you "feel pirate"?

Do you often wonder how many blades people of the future will use to shave?

Have you ever Googled on "visible razor burns"?

Did you really enjoy the Cuban food?

Have you ever worn a hat or novelty socks to "challenge authority"?

Do you always let your ringtone play in its entirety before you answer a phone call?

Has your UFO abduction story ever gotten you laid?

Are you easily offended by "What's with these paraphilic infantilists" comments?

Do you frequently use a hand-sanitizer as a breath-freshener?

Do you often orgasm to Yellow Page ads as a strategy to save on escort services?

Post responses here or on my MySpace profile

Friday, March 07, 2008

MORMON SANTA IS HAVING A BABY!

It's true! I'm having a baby! Yes, I am so happy to announce that, after many aborted attempts, I have successfully conceived a healthy, perfectly replicated albino hermaphroditic fetus. I just had the sonogram -- well, my pediatrician doesn't actually have access to any sonographic equipment, so he had to get up in there with his cell phone. But, as you can see, everything is looking just fine! All 13 fingers and toes, a vestigial super brain, plus both fully-formed sets of the requisite tickle-tackle!

Santababy

I'm making a bit of history here too! This is the first hermaphroditic fetus ever self-conceived by a surgical hermaphrodite. To say the least, it has been quite the emotional and sexual rollercoaster getting here. Toward the end I was stuffing the fertility drugs and Miracle Gro by the fistful up the old baster chute until it finally took.

Oh, so much to do now! I'm cleaning out a secure cage in the workshop but have yet to find a baby seat for the mobility scooter. If need be, I suppose I can just roll it in some bubblewrap and make a nest of packing peanuts in the shopping caddy, until it's ready for clown college. Any name? I've always been a big fan of the Emmanuelle movies, so maybe "Turkish Bathhouse Attendant 2"? It's unisex. Oh my, just listen to me babble on! Hormones! I'm big as a boil on Buddha's butt and already lactating like I have two pissing cherubs under my caftan!

I know what many of you are thinking. "Isn't Mormon Santa a tad far to one side of immortal to be having a new baby by himself?" Well, perhaps, but still I must have willed it. If you're only going to judge me at the most exciting time of my life, keep your negativity to yourself.

Post congratulations here or on my MySpace profile

My Photo

What do you want to ask Mormon Santa for?

  • Send me your thoughtful questions, wish lists, death threats, preferably hi-res celebrity fakes, and dry-pack canning tips!

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