How do the Presidential Tickets Stack Up Today?

The two major political parties both claim to offer "historic" presidential tickets, but let's do the math, folks.

The Mormon Santa/Mormon Santa II candidacy is the first "Clone" ticket, the first "All-Hermaphrodite" ticket, and represents the best chance the United States has to unload itself on eBay -- for dinars! As Confucius say, ah, that not chump "Change"!

But does my brainiac third party equation really have what it takes to go tits up and balls cupped against the Dems and Reps? OK, I'm just waiting on the teleprompter here...

ON AGE

McCain/Palin:
During the Vietnam War, John McCain demonstrated enormous physical and mental resolve under torture, but today it is unlikely he'd be able to thwart even a one-armed Oval Office coup attempt initiated by Palin. His teeth are as soft as a baby's fingernails and Ferragamo loafers are no match for an AK-47.

Mormon Santa/Mormon Santa II:
As evidenced by Mormon Santa's running mate pick, Mormon Santa II, Mormon Santa can perpetually clone himself to maintain a stable and replenishable supply of replacement organs and hair grafts. An android version of Mormon Santa waits in the wings, ready to assume all the tedious, day-to-day administrative tasks associated with wars and natural disasters and allow Mormon Santa's corporeal form to attend to his "bidness" and "buzz dem ricers down da quota-mile" in dem recovered UFOs yo.

ON THE ECONOMY

McCain/Palin:
McCain and Palin both support additional tax cuts for the wealthiest 10% of Americans, and for corporations that never pay taxes, to ensure that the U.S. government struggles right alongside all its hard-working, but unemployed, citizens.

Obama/Biden:
Will dramatically increase taxes for all infidels (Non-Muslims), according to a recent poll conducted by Republican pollster Frank Luntz's maverick toupee.



Mormon Santa/Mormon Santa II:
I'm thinking about a major new toupee "sin tax" right now.

ON BRIDGES

McCain/Palin:
Although repeatedly claiming she said "Thanks, but no thanks" to the infamous Alaskan "Bridge to Nowhere", Palin originally supported the project, kept the federal funds that were earmarked for it, and spent some of this money on a separate "On-ramp to Nowhere" project.

Obama/Biden:
Obama supports an unprecedented number of improbable bridge-building projects, though all are purely metaphorical (e.g. "Bridge to Change", "Bridge to the Future", "Bridge Across Party Divisions"). He should tell his speech writer to take a leap from a literal one.

Mormon Santa/Mormon Santa II:  
Is all about dedicated mobility scooter road lanes, Wal-Mart shoppers!

ON EYEWEAR

McCain/Palin:
Palin favors metal rimless spectacles typical of those worn by Swiss bankers, Belgian assassins and Dutch boot fetishists. Rather than providing any actual vision correction, these may in fact be worn solely for "effect", to project a tough-and-ready, came-straight-from-playing-snow-machine-rifle-polo quality, eh?

Mormon Santa/Mormon Santa II:
Mormon Santa also favors metal rimless spectacles, but with corrective lenses so severe they had to be specially crafted from bulletproof limousine windshield glass. Removing them is extremely helpful in "courting" the more fervent Hillary Clinton supporters.

ON THE WAR IN IRAQ/ON TERROR:

McCain/Palin:
"Stay the course, Loyalty Bonus Points for hitting Iran or Russia or Spain."

Obama/Biden:
"bin Laden, b-ball, mano a mano."

Mormon Santa/Mormon Santa II:
"Drill! Drill! Drill! A massive surge in our country's global warming efforts will drive the sand people into their tents and have them begging for our Dasani soon enough."