Mormon Santa Announces His V.P. Pick -- AND MORE BABY NEWS!

First off, some more baby news. Little Mormon Santa II, just 648 hours old, is out of rehab and, I'm happy to report, developing nicely. His second row of baby teeth is just starting to come in, and, after opting to get the double circumcision, I had them go ahead and dock his ears too. Some may feel that is cruel, but there are cultural reasons. I think the Dogon tribe does it.

And, now that I've shrewdly let all the other presidential candidates make their V.P. picks, I am finally ready to announce mine: Little Mormon Santa II.



Ha! Didn't see that one coming, did'ya? I know, I know -- No doubt, the first thing to roll out onto many of your tongues just now was "nepotism". More likely, just the "nep" part, then an uncomfortable pause before a hesitant "po-tism?" But nothing could be further from the truth.

Mormon II is my exact genetic clone. And as far as I can tell from as far as I got on the "Electronic U.S. Constitution" I have on DVD, at worst, I'd be held to serving my two consecutive presidential terms in one four-year term. Plenty of time to see all my bold initiatives come to fruition, even on a two-day work week.

Cloning myself for this precise purpose was a personal choice and should be treated as a highly private matter, so don't even go there you Elitist Ivory Tower Eastern Media Establishment Bloggers. I'm sure you "opinion holders" would have been happier had I "terminated" an immoral scientific abomination like my son. Who are you to decide such a thing? If a time comes that my most dear, very special son should display superpowers with the potential to one day eclipse my own, I alone will decide what is best for me.

Predictably, some will even suggest that Mormon II doesn't have adequate "experience" to assume the Presidency should one of my oft-reported "suicide" attempts succeed in claiming me while in office. If that happens, the kid did it. Don't let his lack of control over his own bowels fool you. He is but one of a succession of Anti-Christs to come, and his upper-arm strength is already sufficient enough to snap the necks of the entire Supreme Court during a short recess.

My fellow Americans, I promise to keep him locked in a gun safe, and to only bring him out on Christmas.