Q: Tell me who you are. I know lots of others know who you are. If it is a secret… I won't tell.
~ "K.", Fort Wayne, IN
Dear "K.",
As they say, "I am that I am."
I do appreciate the difficulty you may have relating to a deity of my ultimitude. I mean, I have it all -- looks, omniscience, the world's largest private collection of classic mobility scooters, the ability to enjoy simultaneous penile, clitoral, vaginal and nasal orgasms, a raspy but pleasant singing voice -- but sadly, often what is "knowable" about me engenders suspicion and jealous envy in others rather than a reverently crushing awe.
Some unfortunate people even deign to doubt my divinity entirely. Or worse, believe me to be so mortally vain that I resort to the use of eyebrow extensions! But I'm everything I gave me. Non-believers (i.e."haters") risk prosecution under the Holiday Spirit Act, Section 12A, particularly during this most sacred of all seasons when my elves are pressed to make fiscal year-end quotas. Those convicted under said provision are subject to punishment by means of enhanced candy-caning, unless it is determined they get their jollies from that sort of thing, in which case they are teased most mercilessly with the threat alone.
Occasionally I've found it expedient to take temporary bodily possession of this or that carbon-based life form, but not any body you would know. Anyone you suspect of being possessed by me is acting like a douchebag on their own.
Q: Do you drink your own urine or just others? Because your breath smells like urine. lol
~ Rev. Ninjapope, Uranus
Your LOLiness,
Mine is not the only faith to accept the practice of urine drinking -- the Episcopalians, for example. If you can tolerate or secretly enjoy your own flatulence, it's a whiz!
