Perpetual Xmastime

Mormon Santa Announces His V.P. Pick -- AND MORE BABY NEWS!

First off, some more baby news. Little Mormon Santa II, just 648 hours old, is out of rehab and, I'm happy to report, developing nicely. His second row of baby teeth is just starting to come in, and, after opting to get the double circumcision, I had them go ahead and dock his ears too. Some may feel that is cruel, but there are cultural reasons. I think the Dogon tribe does it.

And, now that I've shrewdly let all the other presidential candidates make their V.P. picks, I am finally ready to announce mine: Little Mormon Santa II.



Ha! Didn't see that one coming, did'ya? I know, I know -- No doubt, the first thing to roll out onto many of your tongues just now was "nepotism". More likely, just the "nep" part, then an uncomfortable pause before a hesitant "po-tism?" But nothing could be further from the truth.

Mormon II is my exact genetic clone. And as far as I can tell from as far as I got on the "Electronic U.S. Constitution" I have on DVD, at worst, I'd be held to serving my two consecutive presidential terms in one four-year term. Plenty of time to see all my bold initiatives come to fruition, even on a two-day work week.

Cloning myself for this precise purpose was a personal choice and should be treated as a highly private matter, so don't even go there you Elitist Ivory Tower Eastern Media Establishment Bloggers. I'm sure you "opinion holders" would have been happier had I "terminated" an immoral scientific abomination like my son. Who are you to decide such a thing? If a time comes that my most dear, very special son should display superpowers with the potential to one day eclipse my own, I alone will decide what is best for me.

Predictably, some will even suggest that Mormon II doesn't have adequate "experience" to assume the Presidency should one of my oft-reported "suicide" attempts succeed in claiming me while in office. If that happens, the kid did it. Don't let his lack of control over his own bowels fool you. He is but one of a succession of Anti-Christs to come, and his upper-arm strength is already sufficient enough to snap the necks of the entire Supreme Court during a short recess.

My fellow Americans, I promise to keep him locked in a gun safe, and to only bring him out on Christmas.

NEW BABY NEWS!

It has been awhile since I posted any updates on my new baby. I am overjoyed to report that Mormon Muhammad Santa II (I figure he can go with his middle name, depending) recently entered this world on 8.8.08!

Despite repeated requests that my privacy be respected, particularly during this special time in my life, a number of rumors have already started circulating in the press and on the Internet.

First, it has been suggested that the father is a certain Southern senator and former presidential candidate who is presently embroiled in another sex and paternity scandal. Although the possibility exists that little Mormon II was conceived on the same date and in the same hotel restroom the certain Southern senator allegedly locked himself while being pursued by reporters, this certain Southern senator is NOT the father! I rarely fall so deeply into that k-hole that I lose all ability to monitor my own.

Second, it simply isn't true that I am actively negotiating the adoption of Mormon II to any celebrity couples. Mormon II is only a few days out of the hospital and but one day into a court-ordered rehabilitation program. Brangelina, Madonna, and John and Cindy McCain will just have to wait on the chance to add a "hermaphro" baby to their collections, and should seek out other fresh sources of collagen for now.

Lastly, my activist stance on public breastfeeding is well known, as is my recent legal citation for daring to do this. Honestly, what could be more natural yet, sadly, still so controversial? Asking the lady if she was going to use the stuff in her breast pump too was, I now admit, a bit presumptuous -- but I merely asked.

MORMON SANTA IS HAVING A BABY!

It's true! I'm having a baby! Yes, I am so happy to announce that, after many aborted attempts, I have successfully conceived a healthy, perfectly replicated albino hermaphroditic fetus. I just had the sonogram -- well, my pediatrician doesn't actually have access to any sonographic equipment, so he had to get up in there with his cell phone. But, as you can see, everything is looking just fine! All 13 fingers and toes, a vestigial super brain, plus both fully-formed sets of the requisite tickle-tackle!

I'm making a bit of history here too! This is the first hermaphroditic fetus ever self-conceived by a surgical hermaphrodite. To say the least, it has been quite the emotional and sexual rollercoaster getting here. Toward the end I was stuffing the fertility drugs and Miracle Gro by the fistful up the old baster chute until it finally took.

Oh, so much to do now! I'm cleaning out a secure cage in the workshop but have yet to find a baby seat for the mobility scooter. If need be, I suppose I can just roll it in some bubblewrap and make a nest of packing peanuts in the shopping caddy, until it's ready for clown college. Any name? I've always been a big fan of the Emmanuelle movies, so maybe "Turkish Bathhouse Attendant 2"? It's unisex. Oh my, just listen to me babble on! Hormones! I'm big as a boil on Buddha's butt and already lactating like I have two pissing cherubs under my caftan!

I know what many of you are thinking. "Isn't Mormon Santa a tad far to one side of immortal to be having a new baby by himself?" Well, perhaps, but still I must have willed it. If you're only going to judge me at the most exciting time of my life, keep your negativity to yourself.

Post congratulations here or on my MySpace profile