Personal Assistant Needed (As featured on Craig's List)

Mormon Santa is looking for savvy, seasoned "professional" to sit at his right-hand (left-handedness a plus)

- Successful candidates must be comfortable with the human form, in all its deformations, as well as handling the usual day-to-day spontaneous issues that may arise.

- Regular duties include working with sensitive files, conducting secure communiques, gift wrapping and performing thrice-daily enemas. Signed, binding non-disclosure agreement covering any contents required.

- Full maintenance and service knowledge of the HoverThrone 9000 Series personal mobility scooter and its GoldenFlush black water system required.

- Must be able to keep a lid on the fat man cracks, however veiled (e.g.: "Your penis might look larger if you cut back on the anabolic nog lattes", etc.).

- Can uphold Vice Presidential duties of a large, constitutionally-restricted representative democracy without supervision.

- Excellent command of computer copy, paste, and DoD delete skills.

- Grounds for immediate dismissal include inadequate delousing, direct hits to the eye with a ping pong ball and any inexplicably merry elves.

Apply by submitting resume, qualifications and references (lewd or otherwise) below, or to my MySpace blog...