Perpetual Xmastime

ASK MORMON SANTA: "Who ARE you?"

Q: Tell me who you are. I know lots of others know who you are. If it is a secret… I won't tell.

~ "K.", Fort Wayne, IN

Dear "K.",

As they say, "I am that I am."

I do appreciate the difficulty you may have relating to a deity of my ultimitude. I mean, I have it all -- looks, omniscience, the world's largest private collection of classic mobility scooters, the ability to enjoy simultaneous penile, clitoral, vaginal and nasal orgasms, a raspy but pleasant singing voice -- but sadly, often what is "knowable" about me engenders suspicion and jealous envy in others rather than a reverently crushing awe.

Some unfortunate people even deign to doubt my divinity entirely. Or worse, believe me to be so mortally vain that I resort to the use of eyebrow hair extensions, but I'm everything I gave me. Non-believers (i.e."haters") risk prosecution under the Holiday Spirit Act, Section 12A, particularly during this most sacred of all seasons when my elves are pressed to make fiscal year-end quotas. Those convicted under said provision are subject to punishment by means of enhanced candy-caning, unless it is determined they get their jollies from that sort of thing, in which case they are teased most mercilessly with the threat alone.

Occasionally I've found it expedient to take temporary bodily possession of this or that carbon-based life form, but not any body you would know. Anyone you suspect of being possessed by me is acting like a douchebag on their own.

Q: Do you drink your own urine or just others? Because your breath smells like urine. lol

~ Rev. Ninjapope, Uranus

Your LOLiness,

Mine is not the only faith to accept the practice of urine drinking -- the Episcopalians, for example. If you can tolerate or secretly enjoy your own flatulence, it's a whiz!

Ask Mormon Santa: "Can YOU handle 'THE TRUTH'?"

Dear Mormon Santa,

While Googling "Mormon MILFS" last night, I stumbled upon numerous links where you were referenced. When I searched on "Mormon Santa" proper, I was amazed by the number of hits that were returned, and intrigued that we apparently share a penchant for furry Slovakian Suicide Girls with glasses.

You are all over the Internet! Either you are omniscient as you claim, or, like me, you work as a nighttime security guard. Which is it?

~ Agent Rod Holster, Wannarutta, Wisconsin

Thank you for your question, Rod, which is, as far as I can deduce, whether or not there is some sort of "Mormon Santa Code" evidenced throughout the entire electronic fabric of the Internet, correct?

Whether you realize it or not, the answer involves not only the fundamental nature of "The Internet" but of "Reality" itself. It may shock all of you to learn that the computer screens you are viewing at this very moment are, in the absolute sense, completely blank. The Truth? First understand that "electricity" is a fraud that has been perpetrated upon the American public since Revolutionary times by none other than Illuminazi Grand Lama "Osama" Ben Franklin. Google it. Electric power is an illusion -- a nefarious, all-pervasive psychic projection. The "reality" is that anytime you perform seemingly simple acts like flipping on a light switch or typing on a keyboard, you're just doing crazy stuff.

All of your perceptions, my dear duped readers, are created for you. I loathe making comparisons to The Matrix, but the true order of things is, in fact, similar to the extent that multidimensional kung fu turf wars have always figured significantly since the inception of the universe.

"The Internet" can be accurately visualized as an immense, holographic in-box at the NSA (per FISA), where teams of trained bald eagles wearing teeny tri-corner hats (it's a "bald" thang) still use feather quills and their droppings to systematically blot out -- on every original, physical copy of the U.S. Constitution the eagles can find -- all references to "universal healthcare", "the inalienable right to free government hemp", the "boy-girl means of presidential succession", and such. Take the right combination of certain red and green prescription medications, which are currently available only in Europe, and the veil shall lifted for you, too!

Since my accidental enlightenment, my only connection to the whole subrosean operation has been limited to a few consultancy gigs, where I suggested things like oversized vinyl throw pillows and scented candles.

And, yes, when I'm not dealing mirth to schoolchildren, I work a part-time graveyard shift at the Pentagon security desk. Very perceptive. May I ask what you are on?

"We have to wear the Sacred Silvery Shielding Napkin all the time? REALLY???"

Dear Mormon Santa,

Regarding the sacred silvery napkin, mine has been converted into a loincloth to guard my zone of propagation. It's much more portable and less distracting to the Gentiles I work with and shop among. Have I lost something in not protecting my navel area? I'd use my spouse's silvery napkin, but it was sacrificed to absorb a recent beverage spill. Its performance was underwhelming.

Also, my silvery loincloth proved uncomfortable when playing racquetball in my athletic club. In an enclosed environment its rustling and crinkling was audible. And the hearing of the hairy toad men who play racquetball is very acute. Shall I risk Rapture Exposure during these one hour matches and set the loincloth in my locker?

~ Derek D., Howth Castle and Environs

My Dear Derek,

"Rapture exposure" is a real risk. If there is one tenet of our patented "Total Faith System" that may NEVER be circumvented, particularly where proper and constant juxtaposition to the loins or umbilicus centrus is concerned, it is the wearing of the Sacred Silvery Shielding Napkin.

As I stated in Mormon Santa's Big Book of Purposes for Purpose-driven Lives, wearing the Sacred Silvery Shielding Napkin throughout Eternity...

"...shall ever protect your loving hearts from the dagger, your good clothes when receiving Nog & Cookies, and your sweet astral organs from the deadly radiations endured during celestial travel."

AND NO, you just can't mix this type of thing with paper should you ever choose to recycle it.

The following diagram illustrates "The Three Revealed and Most Secret Tucks for the Sacred Silvery Shielding Napkin" (click on diagram to see a larger view):

I realize also that the so-called "loincloth configuration" has grown in popularity in recent years, especially among you boomers. Being a very practical application, quibble not with it. Ultimately, I think you'll come to see that all of our beliefs are grounded solidly in science, so never let a scientist sway you on any point.

Dear Mormon Santa,

I have a similar problem that involves what you'd might call a pernicious rashing. It's got me all on edge, and the Gold Bond powder just collects in like a sackage at the bottom. Often while I am seated at an auspicious function, a dense, audible cloud completely obscures all those around me.

May I also take the holy thing off, at least during times of extreme national crisis and chafing?

~ dubbyDaP, Washington, D.C.

Mr. dubbyDaP,

Hello, NO! If you're going to run with the gods you've got to use protection!

Please RTFM and follow the instructions for the proper series of folds that will allow you to turn the SSSN completely inside out without actually removing it. Because of its genuine 'A-TECH' interdimensionality, it rinses quite easily.

NEXT TIME: "Kennedy-Lincoln: The Strange 9/11 Coincidences!"

"No Coke?"

Dear Mormon Santa,

A friend who is not a follower told me he heard that we couldn't drink anything with caffeine in it - Coke, coffee, Jolt cola, caffeinated milk from Japan, Vivarin and tonic water, etc., etc. Is this true?  ~ Johoshua Turbotax, Dodi, IN

No, Johoshua. It's utter nonsense! This "caffeine restriction" is one of the most common misconceptions outsiders have about our faith. It stems from our strict observance of never speaking aloud the name of any food or beverage item that begins with a 'k' sound, which is why we can never just order a "Coke" or a "cola" in a restaurant. There are ways around this, however. One way is to ask your server: "Does this restaurant offer any brown sodas?" If the waitperson is also an outsider, or apostateperson, they may reply with something along the lines of: "Do you mean, like a Coke?" To which you could either say "yes" or simply nod in the affirmative.

It can be tricky at times, though, since even actions, such as silently pointing to a "k" food or beverage on a menu is also forbidden. The issue of whether gesturing with a combination of telling eye movements, tilting of the head, touching the nose and nodding as an apostateperson points to various food and beverage items is a matter of intense theological debate. But just to make your life a little more challenging, I shall say NO to any such practice.

Written notes containing a "k-sound" food word may be passed to both apostatepersons and followers. Many devotees carry a number of such notes on their persons at all times, and some are so accomplished at this practice they can successfully conduct highly complex transactions, like planning an entire wedding reception - complete with the cake - almost noiselessly!

A word about 'canned' foods: It is entirely acceptable to inquire aloud about such foodstuffs as "canned peas". However, saying "creamed peas" aloud, though these are typically available in cans, is a violation. A "can" is neither a food nor a beverage, unless of course you're a cartoon goat! (On a purely technical point: Whether or not a pious devotee has the sanctioned ability to order a "cartoon goat" aloud in a restaurant is information reserved exclusively for OB Deck Level Superstars.)

Another area of common confusion concerns "foody descriptors", or words that begin with a 'k' sound but are used in a more metonymic sense in relation to an actual food or beverage item. Example: "This food is crap!" Is this a violation? Well, if you are, in fact, eating some variety of feces, as you may be required to do during certain observances, then yes, it is. But if you happen to be eating, say, our old friend "creamed peas", this utterance is in full compliance to doctrine and common wisdom alike.

You may also simply drop the 'k' sound from the beginning of a word when speaking it aloud. But be very careful: "I want 'andy!" can and has caused confusion, even hurt feelings. And no, singing such a food's name and then electronically masking the 'k' sound in post-production won't protect you either, fuckhead.

NEXT TIME: "Why No Pharmacists?"