Q: Do you really live in Utah?
Yes, in Northernmost Utah, atop the highestmost peak, in a modest, wheelchair accessible ranch style home. Whenever someone successfully locates me using Google Earth, I always give a wave.
Q: Are you a Freemason? If so, what does that "G" stand for?
I am a proud Great Grandmaster of the Kcraft, one of five fellow travelers in the solar system to be raised to the Enth Degree of the Ancient Kolobian Rite. Kum-Burr-Poul-Bubbuloom-La-Lum-Lum and smoochies to all my biachs out there! "My mouth sings this to you: Keep the Season's Precious Secret safe, or disembowel'd are you!"
The "G" stands for "Geeeee-SUS".
Q: How many wives does Mormon Santa have?
Geeeee-SUS! Again: I'm a practicing Non-Mormon polygamist -- 13 wives, 13 daughters,13 granddaughters on the way. A completely normal situation for a situation of this kind. To date, none of my wives or worker elves and only eight of my nine pygmy reingoats are genuine clones. And nobody has eaten anybody else since basic cable days.
Q: It has come to my attention the local wildlife has been vandalizing the foliage on the footpath circling Griffy Lake. I refer to the beavers, in particular. While on a stroll earlier this week, I took notice of in excess of five trees that had been gnawed on at the base by our industrious friends; trees that were now neglected and abandoned, and are left for scrap. This is both damaging to the relaxing ambience of the nature walk and also a hazard to passersby who risk injury by collapsing flora. I estimate one of the trees to have been at least 12 inches in circumference...the fall of which could easily brain an unsuspecting young child.
I, for one, do not appreciate the idea of my tax dollars going to support such behavior as it is directly antithetical to the concept of an introspective, relaxing, and most particularly, safe, public reserve. I think it is not too far out there to give here a comparison between such larcenous wildlife and the undocumented foreigners who are now streaming across our nation's borders and taking advantage of the benefits for which hard working folk like your readers pay through the nose day in and day out. Perhaps the city council could for once put itself to use and work toward a solution to this problem. I would like to be able to look forward to a relaxing stroll along one of my favorite moderately-sized bodies of water without the threat of physical injury or having to be reminded of the opportunistic elements in the world who seek to corrode your and my hard-earned freedom to enjoy such walks!
I'm going to treat this one like a question. What with the bird flu pandemic and the entire squirrel ADHD thing, frankly I'm surprised the government hasn't taken the trees down by now! They've got to get the nests! We'd also have all that natural wood energy to tide us over until we regain control of the gas stations, and then people could finally start drilling where they couldn't find places to drill before. People don't have no sense though.
Beavers now -- they's scary smart. I think they flew those planes. Best to just stay clear of the lake if they're the ones tagging it.
Q: Are you gay?
Like all true gods, I encompass a balance of both the masculine and the feminine aspects, and so was incarnated with fully functional male and female tickle-tackle. But I won't do anal.