Perpetual Xmastime

FOX NEWS leaks Obama’s First 100 Days Agenda!

My Friends, I KNEW it was still too early for me to concede this Presidential election! FOX NEWS recently obtained the following memo from an unnamed bitter Obama supporter, detailing just SOME of the presumptive President-Elect's "First 100 Days Agenda".

No, I'm not going to demand a recount. Frankly, I've had enough of politics. For now, I'm just going to spend some quality time getting better acquainted with the 19-year-old twins (conjoined) I recently adopted and work on growing both my beard and waistline out to biblical proportions.

"My First 100 Days Agenda" (fragment of a draft memo that was allegedly found on the back of an envelope containing forged voter registration signatures, and an apparent "African-American" list of political enemies)...

DAY 1: Nationalize the Plumbing Industry
DAY 2: Nominate William Ayres as "Chief of Pals"
DAY 3: Repaint White House chartreuse
DAY 4: Remove the 'H' 'U' 'S' 'E' 'I' and 'N' keys from all staffers' computer keyboards
DAY 5: Begin sporting a peacock-feathered tri-corner hat and serving mac and cheese at state dinners
DAY 6: Hold first weekly presidential puppy fight
DAY 7: Rename Pennsylvania Avenue "The Goddamn Reverend Wright Way"
DAY 8: Head up to Capitol Hill to sell "stimulant packages"
DAY 9: Name Kanye as new "Chartreuse House Poet Laureate"
DAY 10: Invite Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and an Israeli delegation over for some ghetto FOB-ulous BBQ
DAY 11: Offer Senator Lieberman choice of four fingers to keep
DAY 12: Advise all Americans to invest savings in bling
DAY 13: Replace secret Oval Office tape-recording system with own Technics SL-1200MK2s
DAY 14: Relocate all the crackers to Alaska, grant them Secession.

2008 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION COVERAGE!

Mormon Santa expected to pull off surprise, last minute electoral shitstorm!

 

CLICK HERE TO SEE LIVE ELECTORAL MAP

Colorful electronic maps don't lie, my friends. It now looks like Mormon Santa is headed toward the biggest electoral landslide in history!

Turns out my running mate, exact hermaphroditic clone and only begotten political successor, Mormon Santa II -- at only 2 1/2 months -- is quite the computer wiz! These kids today are just amazing when it comes to this stuff! (However, we still could use some help from any of you script kiddies out there who know what the Diebold hot-key combination is for "freeze-frame"...)

Throughout the final hours of this historic election, Mormon Santa and "The Best Political Team in the Celestial Heavens" will offer their canned commentary and baseless talking points -- and YOU are invited to join in on the discussion!

The Best Political Team in the Celestial Heavens...

Mrs. Mormon Santa

Mrs. Mormon Santa is the lone surviving but ailing wife of Mormon Santa, yet hardly a partisan supporter of his presidential ambitions.

Mormon Santa II

As already stated, Mormon Santa II is Mormon Santa's running mate, exact hermaphroditic clone and only begotten political successor. Mormon Santa II will call the election for Mormon Santa once the previously determined secret "nose sign" is given.

Pierre Plantard

Msr. Plantard is the late founder and current Grand Master of the infamous and shadowy Priory of Sion and a former living direct descendant of Jesus Christ. He is French (boooooo!) and is here to offer the haughty, elitist European view on the proceedings.

Joe the Undecided Pundit

Joe the Undecided Pundit (whose real name is not "Joe", nor anything else as his parents still haven't agreed on one yet) will serve up his, and possibly one day her, unvarnished and "folksy" indecisiveness throughout our coverage.

Welcome to you all.

The team and I are ready to take YOUR commentary and questions here, or over at Mormon Santa's 2008 MySpace Election Headquarters...

John Scherer, The Video Professor, Announces Mormon Santa Presidential Endorsement

"At least try Mormon Santa for President. He put out like no eHarmony date I've ever had."

Mormon Santa Makes Desperate Last Minute Plea to Undecided Voters

So what's the problem? Barack Obama wants to give a TAX CUT to those making under $250,000, McCain wants to give YET ANOTHER ONE to only the richest 10% of Americans, and you STILL can't decide who to support??? John McCain is 72 years old, has had several bouts with cancer, picks an extremist idiot-savant beauty pageant rhetoritician as his successor, and still you're a tad concerned that an intellectually reflective Harvard graduate may nominate murder bombers to the Supreme Court?

If so, Mormon Santa needs your vote!

Perhaps you've received one of my robocalls in which I characterize John McCain as a drunken Irishman who fist-fucks leprechauns with family terrorist ties to the IRA, and said to yourself, "Hmmm, my family has always traditionally hated the Irish, and non-procreative sex, since at least the 19th century!" Or maybe you've seen my viral YouTube video where I depicted Michelle Obama scissoring Obama Girl onstage at an Acorn voter registration hand-fasting ceremony? Few can question my integrity or that I alone have stayed on the high road throughout my presidential campaign.

Decisions, decisions... I have ALWAYS been right there behind you in the express check-out lane at the grocery store, my friends. "Do I want these 'Original' or the 'Powder Fresh' scented doggie pee-pads?" I've heard you wondering aloud, while the cashier waited for you to press "Accept" on the card swipe. Once, twice -- SIX times you sniffed the box! Yes, what vague olfactory undernote would best complement dog piss? I, for one, understand what you go through. Life is too short -- and too important -- to be dissatisfied with ANY CHOICE we must make ourselves! "Original ? No, that doesn't seem very 'original'..."

That's why I'm asking for your vote on November 4th! Me? I smell like immunodepressants and baby oil! Always have. And to those undecided voters who have particularly low self-esteem, yet are extremely attractive, I may call on you to service your country in additional ways, like birthing my formidable "Army of Happy Accidents"!

Yes, together we can.

I'm Mormon Santa, and I can't recall what my message was now.

Mormon Santa rates "Joe the Plumber" on Angie's List

Report Date:
10/16/2008

Was Work Done?: YES
Hire Again?: YES
App. Cost: $400

Overall - A
Price - D
Quality - A
Responsiveness - A
Punctuality - A
Professionalism - A
Physique - A+

Description of Work: Snaked clogged toilet, which required a bigger than usual snake.

Member Comments: My toilet backed up as a consequence of attempting to flush $700 trillion in paycheck cash advances down it, thinking my septic tank was now far more secure than any government-owned bank! I called "Joe the Plumber" based on John McCain's personal recommendation during the recent presidential debate. Joe arrived sooner than expected, almost inconveniently so. He was completely buff, and completely bald (which is a bit of a turn-on for me). When I described the situation, he asked me if I was a socialist. That took me aback a bit, but I wasn't going to be intimidated by his impudent Jeff Gannon looks. I told him, no, I wasn't, and that he'd better let me carefully inspect his drain snake for any lose bills that may just "happen" to stick once he was finished (hinting that there MIGHT be a generous tax-free tip in it for him if he did). He shrugged and proceeded to do the dirty work like a true pro. I even pulled the "while you're here, could you look at this, too?" bit. He said his schedule didn't allow it, even though I was wearing something my domestic partner has never seen.

VP Candidates debate, Palin dispels fears that she cannot read

October 3, 2008 -- The first and only debate between the two vice presidential candidates, Sen. Joe Biden and Gov. Sarah Palin, covered a broad array of subjects, including the economy, war, taxes, constitutionally prohibited expansion of Vice Presidential powers, and their readiness to help govern the country, which is now owned by numerous overseas financial concerns.

Recently, Palin came under attack from both the Eastern liberal media and some conservative pundits for statements she made during a televised interview with CBS News anchor, Katie Couric. When the candidate was asked to specify which newspapers and publications she regularly reads, Palin named none, stating, "I read them all." This led to speculation that she was unable to read any of the titles, and was perhaps capable of recognizing them by the pictures alone. Or that she was God.

Such concerns evaporated as Palin studiously scanned and read from her prepared talking points throughout the 90-minute debate, which took place Thursday night at Washington University in St. Louis, looking up only to offer an occasional wink to the camera.

Frank Lundtz, a veteran Republican pollster who assembled a small focus group of likely "wingnut" conservative voters to watch the debate while wearing "boner" monitors, said, "Palin's performance did what it had to do in that it succeeded in rallying her base. I've never seen such a sustained spike in all my years of watching spikes go up and down!"

Illiteracy is a growing problem in the United States, with a majority of its citizens only capable of barking half-remembered Bible verses back to their televisions.

MORMON SANTA’S FIVE POINT ECONOMIC PLAN

My Friends, as a divinely sanctioned U.S. presidential candidate, I feel it is my sacred duty to offer you a comprehensive, FIVE POINT PLAN to resolve this dire economic crisis we face together as a nation. Hey, you gun and 401(k)-clingers -- any of the other candidates offered one yet? Um, no! It's really not that complex a problem, for those of us who had the wisdom and foresight to make suicide pacts. And, in commitment to true conservative principles, mine even fits on one page.

1. Re-classify U.S. currency as a renewable energy source.

2. Make financial CEO "golden parachutes" out of actual gold, throw CEOs from their corporate jets.

3. Give 700 billion in dollar bills to avant-garde artist Christo to papier mache Statue of Liberty, sell back to France, or to some Saudi prince with room in his new hotel lobby.

4. In the spirit of FDR, set up "Where's Sarah's Head?" 900-number Sarah Palin chat line.

5. Ensure that all banks are financially solvent enough to offer emergency Starbucks Coffee loans.

6. Green light the U.S. Auto Industry to release that car lighter adapter that gets 500 miles to the iPod.

7. Heavily tax the homeless on their 25-cent cigarette purchases.

8. Deregulate lotto/casino cons and scams.

9. Distribute all government cheese electronically.

10. Rename the "National Guard" as the "Living Donor League".

11. Raise what I can in tips for "Free Eyebrow Rides".

OK, that may be more than five points, but who among us has the patience for math anymore?

How do the Presidential Tickets Stack Up Today?

The two major political parties both claim to offer "historic" presidential tickets, but let's do the math, folks.

The Mormon Santa/Mormon Santa II candidacy is the first "Clone" ticket, the first "All-Hermaphrodite" ticket, and represents the best chance the United States has to unload itself on eBay -- for dinars! As Confucius say, ah, that not chump "Change"!

But does my brainiac third party equation really have what it takes to go tits up and balls cupped against the Dems and Reps? OK, I'm just waiting on the teleprompter here...

ON AGE

McCain/Palin:
During the Vietnam War, John McCain demonstrated enormous physical and mental resolve under torture, but today it is unlikely he'd be able to thwart even a one-armed Oval Office coup attempt initiated by Palin. His teeth are as soft as a baby's fingernails and Ferragamo loafers are no match for an AK-47.

Mormon Santa/Mormon Santa II:
As evidenced by Mormon Santa's running mate pick, Mormon Santa II, Mormon Santa can perpetually clone himself to maintain a stable and replenishable supply of replacement organs and hair grafts. An android version of Mormon Santa waits in the wings, ready to assume all the tedious, day-to-day administrative tasks associated with wars and natural disasters and allow Mormon Santa's corporeal form to attend to his "bidness" and "buzz dem ricers down da quota-mile" in dem recovered UFOs yo.

ON THE ECONOMY

McCain/Palin:
McCain and Palin both support additional tax cuts for the wealthiest 10% of Americans, and for corporations that never pay taxes, to ensure that the U.S. government struggles right alongside all its hard-working, but unemployed, citizens.

Obama/Biden:
Will dramatically increase taxes for all infidels (Non-Muslims), according to a recent poll conducted by Republican pollster Frank Luntz's maverick toupee.



Mormon Santa/Mormon Santa II:
I'm thinking about a major new toupee "sin tax" right now.

ON BRIDGES

McCain/Palin:
Although repeatedly claiming she said "Thanks, but no thanks" to the infamous Alaskan "Bridge to Nowhere", Palin originally supported the project, kept the federal funds that were earmarked for it, and spent some of this money on a separate "On-ramp to Nowhere" project.

Obama/Biden:
Obama supports an unprecedented number of improbable bridge-building projects, though all are purely metaphorical (e.g. "Bridge to Change", "Bridge to the Future", "Bridge Across Party Divisions"). He should tell his speech writer to take a leap from a literal one.

Mormon Santa/Mormon Santa II:  
Is all about dedicated mobility scooter road lanes, Wal-Mart shoppers!

ON EYEWEAR

McCain/Palin:
Palin favors metal rimless spectacles typical of those worn by Swiss bankers, Belgian assassins and Dutch boot fetishists. Rather than providing any actual vision correction, these may in fact be worn solely for "effect", to project a tough-and-ready, came-straight-from-playing-snow-machine-rifle-polo quality, eh?

Mormon Santa/Mormon Santa II:
Mormon Santa also favors metal rimless spectacles, but with corrective lenses so severe they had to be specially crafted from bulletproof limousine windshield glass. Removing them is extremely helpful in "courting" the more fervent Hillary Clinton supporters.

ON THE WAR IN IRAQ/ON TERROR:

McCain/Palin:
"Stay the course, Loyalty Bonus Points for hitting Iran or Russia or Spain."

Obama/Biden:
"bin Laden, b-ball, mano a mano."

Mormon Santa/Mormon Santa II:
"Drill! Drill! Drill! A massive surge in our country's global warming efforts will drive the sand people into their tents and have them begging for our Dasani soon enough."

I am convinced they are scanning my brain

I am convinced they are scanning my brain.

For reasons I've stated elsewhere, I am in hiding currently. So as not to draw undue attention to myself, I am dressing as an Amish man and only watching television in the wee small hours of the morning. Last night, I stumbled upon an infomercial for this grass seed that will grow anywhere, even on a concrete cinderblock. This is EXACTLY like an idea I had -- kept only in my head -- very recently. Although I'd envisioned it as a quick, cost-effective hair replacement system called 'The Mow-Hawk', the similarities are beyond coincidence. As a person who has long-suffered with unsightly patchy pubic hair, my sole wish was to bring renewed hope into the world for others like me. Now, all those billion$$$, plus the additional shipping and handling charges, are going to some shammy-squeezing Aussie pitch man.

My brain-voice has also revealed to me details about the assassin Barack Obama's political opponents keep hinting at, including a physical description, which I've sketched below...



He is a bland, Amish-looking man who smells of grass harboring a psychotic obsession for actress/granny panty model Jennifer Love Hewitt. Given my present circumstances, I simply cannot risk contacting the authorities with this information. All I can do is blend into the crowds at Obama events and pray that I can spot and take out this nutjob with my scythe.

No Subject

The D.C. Madam "commits suicide". Tim Russert drops dead of a "heart attack". M. Night Shyamalan releases his first "R-rated" motion picture.

I have seen this pattern before, my friends.

Obviously Mormon Santa needs to lay low for a while. Right now I am safe. I may or may not be on this planet, in an Applebee's restroom, or not, subsisting entirely on dry Quaker Oats and bowl water green tea with a defibrillator strapped to my chest, careful to squat and not sit. But I will need to get on the move again shortly, so communication may be brief and intermittent if not completely silent for extended periods. Of course, this could mean I'm dead too. If I'm found with anything but a Tanzanian albino pygmy goat, you'll know I've met with foul play.

I hope to make my way to the Flood Free Zone and hook-up with the Heirloom Tomato Grower's Underground, someplace where all the shellfish has remained frozen since before the manufacture of any radioactive isotopes. Maybe Montana -- NOT!

Why oh why did I have to re-up with fricking AT&T Wireless for another two years? God I hope the new iPhone is worth the risk. Shhhhhh! Someone just entered the stall next to me. Did you hear that? I think this line may be tapped. No. OMG! There is an immaculate, punched cap Oxford edging slowly toward me!

Must...keep...hands...to...self...