Hey kids, Mormon Santa has discovered this great new thing on the internet called Twitter. Twitter.com is a service that allows people to stay connected with friends, associates, businesses and organizations through the exchange of short status updates, or "tweets". It allows you to let your circle of "followers" know everything you’re up to, and to keep up with those you "follow" - via the Web, your favorite newsreader or your mobile device.
News
reports claiming the existence of an explicit sex video featuring
dapper demiurge Mormon Santa have recently surfaced across the internet.
Mormon
Santa is said to be the lone individual captured in the shaky, poor
quality cell phone video. Its explicit content purportedly shows
"obvious hermaphroditic features" engaged in a variety of "bizarre
auto-erotic activities" involving a large vibrating candy cane, a
seemingly endless string of colored Christmas lights, "hooked"
ornaments, snow boot-licking and several unsuccessful attempts at
self-penetration.
Mormon
Santa has never made a secret of the many extensive procedures he
underwent to become "the world's first surgical hermaphrodite". The now
countless photos of his nude mobility scooter shopping trips often
eclipse the Google search rankings of other celebrity "lap dog and
service animal shots", as they are known in the trade.
"And
clearly, the explicit features look very, um, 'surgical' in this
video," said one source who claimed to have seen the entire 15-minute
snippet, but wished to remain anonymous, and hospitalized.
Publicity stunt?
Mormon
Santa is allegedly offering to sell the video for $1.5 million, while
adult publishing magnets Hugh Hefner and Larry Flynt, in an unusual
joint move, made a $1.6 million counteroffer to the notorious
self-promoting Santa in an attempt to prevent any sale or distribution
of the video.
No doubt by now you are aware of all the hubbub surrounding a certain recent magazine cover and its so-called "satirical" cartoon cover art. Before I enter into a discussion of its merits, or lack thereof, I believe the image can speak volumes on its own...
"The Christian Santa Monitor" is a fax-only "zine" with a limited distribution. I sometimes suspect that I alone receive a regular, unsolicited subscription. Its publisher is a rather vocal and long-standing political and theological enemy of mine whose attacks are invariably marked by gross distortions and even grosser image attachments.
There are those who would defend or simply dismiss this cover art as a rather broad "political satire" depicting some people's (or at least one person's) wholly erroneous, yet oddly unshakable perceptions of me. There are those who would insist that it be taken "within the proper context", one seemingly known only to an effete group of aging fax enthusiasts, present company excepted. "But isn't it ironic?" Truth is, most Americans have had no proper understanding of irony since Alanis Morissette's misuse of the term on "Jagged Little Pill" in 1995. Those who would defend this depiction in such terms are merely making excuses for what is plainly a calculated characterization of the most offensive kind -- namely, that I am Mormon.
Again, I am not a Mormon! My first name is Mormon, a name that was given to me by my beloved black Satanic coven. I have no official affiliation with the LDS Church. I've mostly attended a few food raffles, and that's about it!
Nor would I be caught dead in a pair of pointy-toed shoes.
Nothing signals the fact that one is on the fast-track to full godhood and dominion over all things animate and inanimate quite like having a custom molded plastic figure created in one's image... by a foreigner... without having to beg, pay, or threaten first! You know, like popes have to do.
The pictured homage is the inspired work of Aaron: The "Co(s)mic" Hero, a fellow bloggist who is working on an entire series of MySpace blogger action figures.
"I made it because of the OTHER MySpace Action Customs I did," Aussie Aaron tells Mormon Santa. "The ideas behind the characters are, in a word, BRILLIANT, surreal, and worthy of their OWN graphic novel." Bless him.
And work on my action figure doesn't end here either. Aaron shared with Santa that he still has plans to "amp it up a little."
"I have a new idea on how to make it more Grimm's Fairy taled." Kew! And he intends to include a few new "accessories" as well. A cherry coal-powered Hoveround, perhaps? Or maybe a "Magick Action Carafe" of nog that Mormon Santa can fill and drink and refill over and over? We'll have to wait and see.
Until then, check out more of Aaron's original work!
I was casually Googling for "Mormon sluts" late last night when I happened to stumble upon this...
Does anyone think I have grounds for a lawsuit here? Granted the Photoshop magic performed on this photo hides MORE THAN A FEW of my flaws, thankfully. The original was taken shortly after my recent prostate surgery, and the "slut outfit" was merely a little number I had custom-made to allow me some comfort during a very difficult recovery. However, I categorically DENY approving what was done here, and in NO WAY do I condone the surreptitious altering of ANY widely distributed image in the media that doesn't directly aid the war effort. I don't know if this one boosts or devastates the morale of our heroic men and women overseas, but I am eager to hear from them.
I have no clue whose head that is, nor do I understand why my skin color was intentionally darkened.
Frankly this marks a new low for so-called journalistic "photo illustrations" and amateur "celebrity fakes" alike. And I'm not just saying that because of the unfortunate blush color used on mine.
CRAWFORD, Texas - It seems like "miraculous" images of revered religious icons have appeared on almost everything you can think of - tortillas, cloud formations, eviscerated corpses found in the septic ditches of suburban housing developments, beach towels. Today however a local Crawford man claimed that such an image has made an inexplicable appearance on something a bit more interesting: his own penis.
George W. Bush claims that "an angry looking manifestation" of dapper demiurge Mormon Santa can be seen on the head, or glans penis, of his "normal sized" male genitalia.
"I have shown it to several others whose opinions I trust implicitly," said Bush, speaking by phone from his office, located in Washington, DC. "Condi [US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice] said it looked more like the guy who played Opie on the old Andy Griffiths Show, which I can see, but the general concurrence is definitely that it is a bona fide peculiarity."
"I've even talked to some medical doctors," Bush emphasized. "Talked, talked, talked, talked, talked."
Bush, the president of a large North American country where claims of such phenomena are common, explained he made the surprising discovery during a routine self-examination "for lumps."
"At first, I could not believe my eyes. I thought maybe I caught it accidentally while zippering," said Bush. "Personally, I'd prefer to have an apparition of my man Jesus Christ on the ol' podium poker, but I completely understand why Jesus would shy away from such a thing."
When asked if any discomfort was associated with the image, Bush said there was none, but relayed that the image itself "does not look comfortable."
"It is probably portending something dire, but it will not say what. And I am pissing red, then green--which is weird and concerning, but kind of festive nonetheless."
Mr. Bush has no immediate plans to release any photos of the curious image, citing national security concerns and a new digital camera "that uses none of the American film."
"Then again," he added, "who knows what might show up on the next White House Christmas card?"
When reached for a comment, Mormon Santa confirmed that the image was of him, but said he had actually been "aiming for the other Dick" [US Vice President Dick Cheney] who he accused of reneging on a deal to install him as the exclusive secular icon of a planned Iraqi holiday shopping season.
Send me your thoughtful questions, wish lists, death threats, preferably hi-res celebrity fakes, and dry-pack canning tips!
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