Perpetual Xmastime

Mormon Santa's Always Stunning Psychic Predictions for 2009!

Britney Spears shall continue on her successful comeback track, directing and starring in another original motion picture, "Oops, I Got DP'd Again!"

The Feds will lower interest rates yet one more time in the coming year -- to an unprecedented NEGATIVE .5% -- causing even Klaatu to reevaluate real estate investing!

Reality television espies total market domination with a Fox program called "Half-Remembered Celebrity Poop Scope", hosted by Sir George Michael. Palestinians and Israelis finally realize a common bond as mutual fans of the show.

The Anti-Christ shall be born in London, UK, this year, in April, but he won't go on a tour of Buckingham Palace until a friend offers to take him for his 47th birthday.

Current Minnesota Senator-Elect Al Franken will be officially sworn in and seated in the U.S. Senate by February -- though, in a politically expedient compromise, on a two-legged stool, sans standard Senate healthcare coverage, and without the complimentary Wi-Fi access. His regular, impeccably timed comedic pratfalls will provide C-Span with a needed ratings boost, and Illinois Senator Roland Burris will prove himself a competent straight man with his hilariously reluctant attempts to assist Franken from his even more precarious portable sport seat.

The Universal Consciousness simultaneously realizes that ass tats are ferg.

Sarah Palin will hold a press conference in June, during which she will proudly breastfeed a lifelike "Reborn Doll", named "Viably Breathing Tyler", and some will disparage this as an attempt to pander to insane Right to Pretend Dolls are Living groups. Most reporter questions, however, focus on husband Todd Palin's performance in "Oops, I Got DP'd Again!"

Global warming causes a worldwide shift in unpleasant smells to unpleasant with hairy bojeeba stank stains. U.S. consumers respond by demanding "recyclable" aluminum chlorohydrate deodorants.

Everyone gets a choice between an RFID chip implant or breast implants.

First Lady Laura Bush will upstage her husband by negotiating an 8 million dollar book deal -- to finally show some!

"Holiday" Musings

Merry Christmas! I mean, Season's Greetings! I mean, Happy Holidays! Oh, maybe I should just say, Happy Cold and Flu Season -- Did you get your shots??? If not, I want the blond without the obvious vitiligo to make my Gingerbread latte, thank you! It seems like more and more, we're getting away from being able to say freely what we want these days. I find it sad that no matter where you go, you can't just speak your mind. Everything must be politically correct before it comes out of your mouth. Why can't I wish you Merry Saturnalia Rites and a Happy Dies Natalis Solis Invicti, you stupid clueless Christian? Is that so bad? I am not offended when someone wishes me a Happy Hanukah, but boy do they get all huffy if I simply wail Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi! Death to Israel! in a well-intentioned response.

Last week in my son's preschool, they had their "Winter Program". That's great, it was a cute little concert, with three or four songs they sang. However, back in my day, these were called "Holiday" concerts. And we sang "Holiday" songs, such as, "Jingle Bells", "Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer" and *gasp* "Silent Night", and innocent, irony-free renditions of "Santa Baby" and "They Ain't Makin' Jews Like Jesus Anymore". Now, I am not one who likes to offend people. More often, I am the people pleaser. I have received plenty of "Holiday" lingerie over the years testifying to this fact. I just don't understand why people need to be offended so easily about songs? I mean, it's not as if they are singing about fags marrying and legally adopting all our cloned Baby Jesus super soldiers, right?

I found an alien implant in my ass, although God made this for other purposes ...

I had an alien implant come out of my anus a few days ago.

The implant that came out was quite far up there and the only reason I discovered it was because, believe it or not, I was Guided to get sculptured nails. At the time, God only said that He'd had this done recently Himself and that He thought they would suit me too, and wouldn't it be fun if we both had them done? Because we're like that. Later I was sitting at my computer ordering more armpit detoxification waxing patches when my anus started to itch. Forgetting that I now had these rhinestone-encrusted Sheer Blush BBQ tongs on my fingers -- God already had His done in a two-tone fuchsia and sparkle orange that would have looked better on me, but whatever -- I tried to scratch the itch and the nail, as if suddenly sentient and acting on its own, went all the way up. When I pulled my finger back out the implant simply fell onto the negative ion generating solar-heated lumbar massaging hernia cushion I keep on my fuel cell scooter seat. It emitted a single high-pitched sound, resonant with the frequency I myself produced, then immediately FLEW UP THROUGH THE AIR and attached itself to one of the therapeutic magnets placed in my nostrils for my chronic snoring.
 
It then took several hours of intensive nose candling to finally budge it from there. Once out, I observed that it was about as long as a grain of organic brown rice but browner, resembling a later photo of the Maharishi Yogi. It had a indescribable rubbery coating that, when bitten, felt like it had electrical wires inside -- like it feels when you are possessed by your totem animal spirit and you chew on a lamp cord.

Strangely enough I stuck it back up my ass. I say strangely because it made no sense afterwards that I would do such a thing, unless God told me to, and He wasn't even texting me back at this point. I went to tell Mrs. Mormon Santa about what had happened and when she pretended to be "out-of-body", I tried to retrieve it. I searched everywhere but it was no longer there!

Still, I don't believe the aliens intend us any harm. They merely wish to study us and learn from the advantages we alone enjoy due to our unregulated market economies, and to monopolize our natural supply of fresh lamprey meat. All we must do is make them all vegans and tactfully instruct them on some basic hygiene. That's my working theory, anyway.

A timely Easter message to all my children...

My Children,

As you know, I often lovingly refer to you as my children. With the April 15th tax deadline looming once again, I wish to remind you of the special and, indeed, very precise meaning this expression holds for me. And that is: All of you literally are "my children"!

And what should my children do if anyone from the "Imperial Revenue Service" were to contact them by phone and begin to question or cast doubts and aspersions on the meaning of this most fundamental spiritual truth of ours? I ask only that you always affirm it with the pure heart and spirit of a child. On such occasions, in fact, actually adopting the innocent speaking voice of a young child is a worthy, even divinely inspired act of devotion.

Every time I make this important annual reminder, several of you invariably wonder aloud - quite loudly, using a highly inappropriate adult voice - asking me: "Mormon Santa, are we not a 'church' and therefore enjoy full 'tax exempt' status?"

Kids, have nary a doubt: We are "a church"! THE RICHEST, OFF-PLANET BASED CHURCH IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE! And as such, we are fully exempt from any "universal tax". However, for very complicated epistemopolitical reasons - rightly or wrongly - federal and state tax laws do still apply.

So, a timely tax tip: Those blessed with the not-exactly-immaculately begotten species of children would be well advised to have them answer all incoming household calls for awhile. I certainly don't have to tell any parent about the joy your callers experience when greeted with such sweetness and endearing incompetence on the phone.

But you must teach your children well, and the most important lesson that you can impart to them right now is that they are Mormon Santa's children first! To ensure their understanding, have them repeat this lesson back to you, and often. Remember: "Snaps or Slaps!" Truth be told, in more cases than many of you realize, this will hold up even if court-ordered DNA testing is required.

Indeed, your child's demonstration of devotion may cast favor upon them when again the time comes for Mormon Santa to rehire after The Sacred Rightsizing of the Temple Elves at the next Checking of the List.

They grow up far too fast, don't they? And much too large for the tiny hallowed iron harnesses!

Hop, hop...

"Poppa"

MYSTERIES of the Holy Sheath of Turin REVEALED!

Revered as one of the holiest relics of all Xmasdom, the Holy Sheath of Turin (Fig. 1) is said to be "the vessel where Mormon Santa put but his jellybeans." Scripture tells us that, in Mediaeval times, Mormon Santa would visit villages around the world during May Day festivals and offer magic jellybeans to any of the children who came up to greet him. Dressed only in a modest loincloth, Mormon Santa would invite the children to gather around and play "find the beanbag". Once the bag of magic jellybeans was revealed, village elders would traditionally interrupt the game and then symbolically place Mormon Santa into protective custody until winter returned. The Easter basket of today is mostly a total rip-off of this.

The Holy Sheath is made of the finest Egyptian waxed cotton and is 10.2 inches long and 1.8 inches wide. X-rays have confirmed that it is filled to the hilt with what do appear to be jellybeans or a similar candy confection. It is tied at one end with a length of simple red string, identical in appearance to a $29 Kabbalah bracelet.

The fabric of the Holy Sheath is very worn and heavily stained. At its tied end, there is an odd ochre-colored stain (Figs. 2&3), which some observers say bears a striking resemblance to a mushroom.

Much controversy surrounds the exact nature of this and the sheath's many other stains, yet there is no conclusive evidence to support any of the theories offered. A popular one, however, is that Mormon Santa also collected mushrooms for sustenance that he would then stowe, along with his magic jellybeans, in the only sheath available to him. The scriptures lend some support to this idea since Mormon Santa does make repeated demands for "the good shrooms" as well as references to an otherwise unnamed apostle, his "beloved little mushroom man," throughout. The results of modern spectral splatter analysis of the sheath's other stains are suggestive of dripped candle wax, and some researchers attempt to explain these as the remnants of numerous attempts to recondition the sheath in order to maintain its weather repellency.

The so-called magical properties that the contained jellybeans are alleged to possess are shrouded in myth and legend. Several non-canonical sources claim they offer the ability to enhance potency and fertility. One oft-told legend has it that several nuns, who were allowed to handle the sheath in the late 1970's, all conceived albino hermaphroditic infants, and that this contact further resulted in their immaculate contraction of syphilis.

Today the Holy Sheath is safely sequestered, along with many other Mormon Santa relics, in the Turin, Utah Department of Justice.

QUATRAIN SLAM!

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: Mormon Santa has intentionally obscured these quatrains through the use of symbolism and metaphor, as well as by making changes to proper names because of his failure to know them. This obscuration has been done to avoid his being tried as a journalist.

It is said that Mormon Santa often divines the future by looking into a bowl of water following a long night of scrying in his beer.

1
Before this prophecy is writ,
they will have landed a man on the Moon
and returned him safely to the Urt;
Oscar picks still too murky to call.

2
All shall become ensnared in her web spread wide,
and upon every tusk of jade and ebony and ivory
will Britney's rose be scrimshawed,
until the morning when blindness prevails.

3
Before the Order of Shadows can be renewed,
three bushes must be planted
in that garden of hoary bones:
One of the hero, one of the knave, and one unshaved.

4
Obsama, the Two-Headed One, shall light a fiery fear
in the breasts of those who bear the tiny flags of blood,
and in bringing down their righteous swords,
they'll miss the one with the turban.

5
Their winning numbers are 9 and 11,
and these they shall play until the century's end,
working their iron-clad machines of chance
and straight-faced alibis for the wives.

6
And Murdog the Fair
shall feast with his foxes
upon a wild grey goose
who laid one egg too many.

Read ye into these what you will...

ARE YOU HAVING CELESTIAL SEX?

Fernette is sixty years old and a virgin. Her boyfriend, seventy, is trying to persuade her to have sex but he's using mostly eye gestures. They do dinner, go nude into the spa together, fist each other anally and eventually progress to discussions of the local real estate market. Fernette has picked up on the tell-tale eye gestures, but still she holds off. She's not ready to lose her virginity until the U.S. Constitution is amended with a "Sanctity of Marriage" provision and her boyfriend completes his gender reassignment surgeries. Is Fernette having CELESTIAL SEX?

Ubertroll is forty-two. He tells people that he has had sex before, but this has never involved penetration or "popping his pearls precious" in the same room as any of his partners. He has strictly observed a policy of having either a window, an opportune spy-hole, or a locked door between him and any of the other "swingers" who live in his apartment building. Ubertroll is not a pervert, always opting to de-seed himself between a Tempur-Pedic mattress set or perhaps into an unused jar of FlufferNutter, which he considerately returns to the back of the cupboard, rather than jeopardize his babysitting career. Is Ubertroll having CELESTIAL SEX?

Claudraene has had numerous partners, all of whom she has met on the job in her capacity as a county coroner. Although Claudraene is multi-orgasmic, her partners never achieve an orgasm or call her for a second date. Claudraene has a tendency to become overly attached to each of her lovers and displays their hearts in a shrine she keeps in her home media cabinet dedicated to Edward-Scissorhands-era Johnny Depp. Is Claudraene having CELESTIAL SEX?

Normond Santa frequents a local strip club in his area where he regularly partakes of lap dances from one -- and only one -- of the girls who work there, LaPrell. He is careful to always wear a lubricated condom and the regulation Sacred Shielding Silvery Napkin provided to him by the Church of Perpetual Xmastime, never allowing actual genital contact to occur. Normond wants to marry LaPrell, but she is too focused on her work right now to consider his repeated proposals. Is Normand having CELESTIAL SEX?

What is the actual line between innocent "messin' around" and "having CELESTIAL SEX?" Mormon Santa says TRUE CELESTIAL SEX occurs "only when each partner physically collects enough DNA to clone or convict the other."

What do you say?

At what point do YOU officially call it "CELESTIAL SEX"?

Is Your Faith "Sustainable"?

What is Sustainability?

No one really knows, but a few common themes run through most definitions of sustainability. The environment, the economy, society and similar themes are being recycled and reused in policy statements everywhere today. I've even seen logoed baby doll tank tees.

My principles of sustainability promote the development of slogans and PowerPoint presentations that pass these three essential tests: Is the word 'sustainability' used in each point, is it spelled correctly, and does it do anything to help reduce the unsustainable expectation for having to have a third point?

Let's go directly to a slide with some bullet points...

This is a great start, but obviously more must be done to incorporate the word "sustainability" into each of these points. Those of you with a total body mass consisting of less than 10% hemp right now may detect that the third one -- "Sustainable Inquisitions" -- makes excellent use of the adverbial form. Kudos to our intern, Ms. Freda Downey-Funnelle, for all her work in bringing this very important bullet point up to this level of sustainability! Freda, I'll have you know, produced this entire presentation using only a refurbished USB thumb drive, some photons and a locally grown organic sugar plum, which will be made available to all attendees following the presentation as both a .PDF and a tasty, bowl-less fruit salad.

And indeed, as this bullet point suggests, renewable bamboo pikes and shivs are excellent tools for obtaining confessions sustainably from nonbelievers and non-sorters alike -- as is waste cooking oil, by the way, which can be reused without it ever needing to go through any toxic transesterification process. What's more, using torture to encourage everything from recycling to religious conversion is a surprisingly easy sell -- even among those being tortured -- if it kind of smells like french fries.

All right, next up is this slogan suggestion...

OK, I don't think any quality patriotic person of faith disputes the need for human sacrifice in this effort, or the related sustainable benefits of ritual cannibalism. And the wordplay referencing the sacred Xmastime colors is certainly snappy. But what again is the fundamental flaw with this slogan? Anyone? "Needs some festive holiday clip art?"  Sure, that would be nice. What else? "Fill in the words 'red' and 'green' with the corresponding font colors?" Good, but there's still something else... Hmmm, maybe we can hear from someone who was motivated to attend this morning's seminar by something other than the complimentary Red Bull Rickies and cigarettes...?

Does the word "sustainability" appear anywhere in this slogan? No!

So what is the real effect of omitting the word "sustainability" in our church slogans? I ask you: What happens when a desperate, seeking soul Googles the sustainability policies of the various faiths and we don't come up at the top of those search engine results? I'll tell you what: Nine times out of ten, Scientology snags them! And these are often CELEBRITIES, people!

OK, next side...

Let me offer a practical example. Yes, my constant careless tossing of redeemable aluminum Coors cans in with my trash may do the planet irreparable harm, and could ultimately provoke it to the point where I'll be chased down and strangled with vines. However, a balance is achieved in the valuable lesson imparted to that dirty drifter who had to work just a little harder to claim his pathetic treasure from my garbage. Though his flesh hath suffered a few barely discernible taser burns, I assure you, his soul is righteously fearful of my many mysteries and powers now!

I'm sorry, I took that with my cell phone so it's a little blurry. Since I notice that the herbicide-free hemlock is already beginning to affect many of you, I'll wrap this up quickly. Freda, can you slip in the Al Gore DVD to speed things along here? And put some fresh cellophane over that salad for the next group. Thank you.

Join the Church of Perpetual Xmastime TODAY to enjoy the following bonuses!

Automatic entry into a drawing for a chance to win one $5.00 U.S. Mint coupon, which can be applied to ANYTHING in universe -- great for offsetting the cost of laminating Mormon Santa's collectable Meditation Cards! (Collect SERIES I! Collect SERIES II!)

Learn the closely guarded secret of Mrs. Mormon Santa's famous recipe for "Nog and Cookies"! It's not just all the "love" she puts into them -- or the nutmeg!

Enjoy some quality lap-time with Mormon Santa on one of his magical mobility scooter rides -- AND help him shop!

Preferred seating at any Mormon Santa Holy Goat family restaurant. "We Slit 'em, You Dip 'em!"

Just SOME of the basic tenets and benefits of our faith:

We believe in full immersion baptism in a depilatory bath. From then on, shaving and plucking is optional but heavily frowned upon. Men who work among the Apostates can opt for ritual or chemical castration at their own expense.

Menstruating women must wear burkas out in public, but the display of clever and ironical statements on them is permitted.



Yes, Jesus was the celibate incarnation of the Lord God Almighty, born to a virgin, but He wasn't above using this to His advantage in the end.

Communication with the dead is a font of knowledge and helpful tips, especially concerning lethal dosage information. Additional charges may apply.

Of all my blessed creatures, the only one you many never smash, kick, or vivisect is the Bee. Always speak REVERENTLY and clearly in their presence.

We do not believe in Intelligent Design, per se, but more like the high school equivalent.

A "FairTithe"? Um, no.

The Sacred Silvery Napkins must be tucked in AT ALL TIMES! NO EXCEPTIONS!

Click to learn more about the accepted tucks for the SSN!

If you can't dry-pack can it, you can't take it aboard StarSleigh 1999 (completion imminent). You may be asked to lift your Sacred Silvery Napkins at the gate.

One planet per household, one stowable personal item per member! Planets are in fact flat and telescopes always add a good 10 kamillirillion cubitons to their actual size. Wearing shoes with good, grippy soles may save your own!



We are a certified, wholly SUSTAINABLE belief system. Refill those water and beer bottles Gaia's way!

Oh, that's real wine in our Bottomless Grail Eucharicken Jew-Jews Basket specials.

JOIN CPX IN THE NEXT HOUR AND RECEIVE A FREE, ONE-SIZE-FITS-ALL'iPod-compatible' WRINKLE-FREE MOISTURE-WICKING SANTANETTE KAFTAN WITH NOGGON (TM)! KEEP YOURSELF LOOKING YOUR TRANSPLENDANT BEST FOR YEARS TO COME IN THE ETERNAL HEREAFTER OF THE PERPETUAL XMASTIME!

Mormon Santa’s Predictions for 2008!

#1: Britney and Kevin will actually get back together again for the sake of the grandchildren...

Sorry, it pretty much goes to black after that.